TIGER WOODS

I got big balls
Big old balls
Big as grapefruits
Big as pumpkins
Yes sir, yes sir
And on my really good days
They swell to the size of small dogs
My balls are as big as small dogs

Well, it ain't braggin' if it's true
Yes sir, yes sir
It ain't braggin' if it's true
Mohammed Ali said that
Back when he was a young man
Back when he was Cassius Clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring

Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

I got a friend whose goal in life
Was to one day go down on Madonna
That's all he wanted
That was all
To one day go down on Madonna
And when my friend was thirty-four
He got his wish in Rome one night
He got to go down on Madonna
In Rome one night in some hotel
And ever since he's been depressed
'Cause life is shit from here on in
And all our friends just shake their heads
And say, "Too soon, too soon, too soon,
He went down on Madonna too soon
Too young, too young, too soon, too soon"

And it ain't braggin' if it's true
Yes sir, yes sir
It ain't braggin' if it's true
Mohammed Ali said that
Back when he was Cassius Clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring

Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

If certain girls don't look at you
It means that they like you a lot
If other girls don't look at you
It just means they're ignoring you
How can you know, how can you know?
Which is which, who's doing what?
I guess that you can ask 'em
Which one are you baby?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
And all you need to do that
Is one good pair of big balls
Balls as big as grapefruits
Balls as big as pumpkins
Balls as big as mine

But even though my balls are big
Sometimes I wish they were bigger
Even bigger
Big as the wheels on tractors
Big as the golden arches
Big as the Golden Gate Bridge
Big as the state of Kansas
Big as Mars and Jupiter
Big as the swing in Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods

ONE THING REAL

I come down the steps
I slip on the ice
Santa Claus been looking
Who's been naughty
Who's been nice
I'm looking for one thing real tonight

And Jesus he comes up to me
Jesus, he sits down
Says, "Take this cross off my back
I'm going downtown"
I said "Oh, but ain't that your uniform?"
He offers me a toke
He says "Two thousand years is long enough
For this particular joke"
He says "I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight"

I'm up here singing
These songs every night
Sometimes I want to just make 'em all
Up on the spot
Maybe they wouldn't rhyme too good
They might not make sense
But then at least I wouldn't be
Repeating myself
I'm looking for one thing real tonight

And you're the one
I've chosen
And I guess you've chosen me
Let's turn off the commercials
Let's turn off the TV
How well can we get to know
Each other in an hour?
We can fight the daylight
We have that power
I'm looking for one thing real tonight

And Van Gogh sits next to me
With a bucket full of pastes
He rips off my ear and says
"Glue this to my face"
I'd like to leave America
For someplace where they would
Not know a word of English
And I might be understood
I'm looking for one thing real tonight

NO MISSING LINK

They looked for the missing link
There's no missing link
They'll never find the missing link
There's no missing link
We're not something
You can figure out with an equation
We are the genetic mutation

Aliens came and fucked the monkey
They fucked the monkey
Aliens came and fucked the monkey
They fucked the monkey
Aliens came and fucked the monkey
They fucked the monkey

Darwin tried explaining it
Darwin did the best he could
Evolution, pretty theory
But how could Darwin know?

That aliens came and fucked the monkey
They fucked the monkey
Aliens came and fucked the monkey
They fucked the monkey

How explain fax machines?
How else explain computer enhancement?
How else explain fiber optics?
How else explain Mozart?

We do not belong here
This planet was a terrarium
Intergalactic broken home
Have to go outer space
And one day find our Daddy

How else explain pay at the pump?
How else explain limited access freeways?
How else explain digital remastering?
Plastic flowers, linoleum, beefalo, Michael Jordan?
Religion?
Astronomy?
Astrology?
That looks to the stars

We do not belong here
This planet was a terrarium
Seven billion bastards
Screaming for our Daddy

Aliens came and fucked the monkey
They fucked the monkey
Aliens came and fucked the monkey
They fucked the monkey
Aliens came and fucked the monkey
They fucked the monkey

OH, SISTER

They say you taught me how to talk
I bet you wish you taught me how to stop
You're far away now
I wish I could take a walk with you someplace
You explained me to our parents
English wasn't their first language
They spoke German
Hated Germans
Confusing times

Oh sister
Down midwest backseat bumpy streets
You sang my Beatles songs with me
I sang your Broadway melodies
Bad harmonies
And where would Willie Mays have been
Without Jackie Robinson?
And who can say what I'd been
Without you to lead the way

After I showed some guys I could drink
You picked me off the lawn, I think
And led me to the kitchen sink
Where I got rid of it
Some nights I lay awake in awe
As squinting through the dark I saw
You peeling off your teenage bra
The door slightly ajar

Oh sister
You lived just across the hall
For eighteen summers
Eighteen falls
Until you went away to that
Weird college in Wisconsin
And where would Willie Mays have been
Without Jackie Robinson?
And who can say what I'd been
Without you to lead the way

Trust yourself
And you can do anything
This I give to you

May your heart purr like a bumblebee
May all your backyards have a tree
May you always be HIV negative
I hope you meet a nice guy who
Treats women better than I do
I don't even care if he's a Jew or not

Oh sister
I remember in the temple hall
At our dear father's funeral
You sang like a nightingale
One of his own songs
And where would Willie Mays have been
Without Jackie Robinson?
And who can say what I'd been
Without you to lead the way

Well, this bald-headed girl I know
Sent me a tape of Bjork and Courtney Love
And PJ Harvey
Called it "Brilliant Women"
I put it in my car
Heard it all the way down to the coast
Normally, if left to my own devices
I don’t hear chick singers much
I guess it’s guys I hear the most
Sometimes these days
Don’t it seem like it’s enough
For girls to love a girl
Or use the F word prominently
Masturbate in public
Or learn guitar tied up to a post
I thought of all this hearing Bjork and
Courtney Love and PJ Harvey
In my car driving to the coast
Tori Amos, Liz Phair, Sinead O’Connor,
Suzanne Vega, Jill Sobule,Melissa Etheridge,
Tracy Chapman, Ani Difranco, Michelle Shocked

Every one of them
Has something kinda special that I like
But every now and then
While listening to them
I feel like when we were kids
I pulled their hair or stole their bike
These days, it seems like
There’s a lot of girls who sing
And some of them are good
And some of them are not
But it’s always kinda cool
That moment when they first step to the mike
If I was a girl
I could sing real high
And, also, then I’d know what having breasts would be like

Chick singers
Chick singers
Chick singers

I started thinkin’ ‘bout Kate Bush, Patsy Cline,
Billie Holiday Janis Joplin, Bessie Smith,
Patti Smith, Annie Lennox,
Chrissie Hynde and Bonnie Raitt

Seems like there’s an awful lot of women
In whose honor I would
Like to raise my glass
And give a toast
Some of them are still alive
And some, I hear their voices like a ghost
Maybe this Thursday,
I’ll throw a party
And invite every woman
That ever sang a song
This would be a party
That I think I would like to be the host
Thanks to the bald-headed girl I know
Whose tape of Bjork and Courtney Love
And PJ HarveyI heard driving to the coast

Chick singers
Chick singers
Chick singers

When I go by black people's cars
I always like the music from their radios
Better than mine
But I never get their stations in
I don't think my car gets it

We live in different houses and we
Drive different cars
We live in different parts of town and
Go to different bars

We speak a different language and we
Wear different clothes
Got to different movies and we
Tie different bows

We go in different schools, and we
Get different jobs
When one of them and one of us steals
It's different things we rob

Hey, we live in different worlds
Right along beside each other
Hey, we live in different worlds
Right up next to one another

We eat different food and we
Drink different booze
Cheer for different football heroes
We hope the other ones lose

We laugh at different jokes and we
Have different names
Watch different tv shows and
Play different games

We speak a different language and we
Sleep in different beds
We like different jewelry and
Put different things on our heads

Hey, we live in different worlds
Right along beside each other
Hey, we live in different worlds
Right up next to one another

We join different clubs and we
Read different magazines
We have different DNA and
Pass along different genes

We have different hair and noses 
We have different teeth
In fact everything is different
'cept under our feet

We live in a different universe
We live in a microwave
I think we're invisible now
I gotta go now, I need a shave

Hey, we live in different worlds
Right along beside each other
Hey, we live in different worlds
Right up next to one another

Hey, we live in different worlds
Right along beside each other
Hey, we live in different worlds
Right up next to one another

When I go by black people's cars
I always like the music from their radios
Better than mine

Can't you see
She's everybody's baby
Maybe for the summer or fall
But don't fall too hard
For everybody's baby'
Cause everybody's baby
Ain't nobody's gal

Take a stroll with everybody's baby
Loose yourself in the beauty of her soul
Don't loose your heart to everybody's baby'
Cause everybody's baby
Ain't nobody's gal

Oh, everybody's baby
Is everybody's business
Is everybody's private hiding place
Everybody touch her
Everybody clutch her
She's everbody's turn the lights down face

Don't fall in love with everybody's baby
You think she's all for you and she's your pal
But you gotta watch yourself with everybody's baby
'Cause everybody's baby
Ain't nobody's gal

Everybody's baby
Is everybody's business
Is everybody's private hiding place
Everybody touch her
Everybody clutch her
She's everybody's turn the lights down face

Don't you know
She's everybody's baby
Maybe for the summer or the fall
But don't fall too hard
For everybody's baby
'Cause everybody's baby
Ain't nobody's gal

Because I love you
I get tongue tied around you
I never say smart stuff around you
I never say anything around you
That makes you want to be with me
So, because I love you
I will never be with you

There's plenty other people
Who I always find the words for
That I have the sweet gift of gab for
That I'm magical and good for
Who because I do not love them
Always want to be with me

Everything I say is true
So there's nothing we can do
Then what the Hell I'll say to you
Let me have one dance with you

I recognize the look
In my eyes when I see you
It's the look of one who loves you
Who wants nothing except to be with you
It is not the look that often
Gets returned in kind

Same old tales ain't nothing new
What the Hell's a soul to do
But maybe you can help me through
Giving me one dance with you
One dance with you

Why do all the rules I make
About how to act around other people
Like don't write them private notes
Trying to explain your foolish actions
Like not hanging around
For hours after it's obvious
That your presence ain't desired
Like names are not important
So if someone forgets your name
They're forgetting something intangible
That has nothing to do with you
So it's stupid to feel bad
If someone forgets your name
Why do all the rules I make
About how to act around other people
Always fall by the wayside
When I get around you

There ain't no more carrot stew
That old sky ain't never blue
That's a lie but this is true
All I want's one dance with you
My bed's unmade
My stuff's askew
I ain't heard the dumbest clue
I just want to squeeze on through
By getting one more dance with you
Stick it while there's still some glue
Move that stuff while there's a crew
Before I stumble someplace new
Let me have one dance with you

Stay where you are
Plenty of room for both of us
I don't want you to come any closer
Than you are right now

Because Jesus was a Jesus freak
Jesus was a Jesus freak
Jesus was a Jesus freak
And I'm just looking for a place to
Watch the world from
Watch the world from
Watch the world from

There's a million miles of sand
And a trillion of miles of water
And you might make me go against my will
But you'll never make me come

Because Jesus was a Jesus freak
Jesus was a Jesus freak
Jesus was a Jesus freak
And I'm just looking for a place to
Watch the world from
Watch the world from
Watch the world from

I go to work
And I do my job
The best I can
And when I'm through
I don't owe no one
Any more than that

So stay where you are
There ain't room for both of us
I don't want you to come any closer
Than you are right now

Because Jesus was a Jesus freak
Jesus was a Jesus freak
Jesus was a Jesus freak
And i'm just looking for a place
To watch the world from
Watch the world from
Watch the world from
Watch the world
Watch the world
Watch the world

I remember Monica
At the US Open
She might have been 16
Couldn't have been much more
Answering some questions and giggling
I'd never seen
Someone so alive on TV before

Do you remember Monica
Shrieking on her backhand
Disguising herself when she went out at night?
Coloring her hair
Like something was telling her
Stay low, invisible
And out of sight

And then, Monica
The blade came, Monica
Like God spitting on you
A knife in your back
We read it in the paper
And moved on to other things
But for you all the colors
Fade to black

And oh, Monica
There you are, Monica
On the cross with Jesus and Martin Luther King
Just like John Lennon by that hotel
You have to pay for our sins

Was it like being raped?
Was it like being dead?
LIke a bad movie over and over again?
Then did everyone who came close to you
Suddenly hold a knife in their hand?

And now, you're back, Monica
Grim and hammering
Trying not to think about that thing then
I hope that you win every medal you can win
But it may never be much fun again

And oh, Monica
There you are, Monica
On the cross with Jesus And Martin Luther King
Just like John Lennon by that hotel
You have to pay for our sins
Just like Jesus by that hotel
You have to pay for our sins

Your hand is between my legs
The dog is between our bodies
As I wake up
You are rollin' from me
I am rolling from you

Time to join a new religion
Time to overthrow the state
Time to demand all my beliefs
Are in a new constitution
I can't stop you from cryin'
But sometimes, I can lick away your tears

If you look in someone's eyes
More than two seconds now
You'd better be prepared to fight
I got too much fear
And too much neglect of magical things

I am rolling from you
You are rolling from me
We are rolling away

I caught a cold
And for two days straight
My ears have been plugged up
As if my body's sayin'
"You don't need your ears
You don't use 'em anyway"

We need more nose jobs
We need more hair relaxers
More magazines telling us
There's something wrong with your face
There's something wrong with your face
There's something wrong with your face
There's something wrong with your face

I am rolling from you
You are rolling from me
We are rollin' away

Some wild creature
Has taken command
I gave him the keys
And he's stompin' through the house
He has a very busy itinerary
He does not have much time for you

I wish I could give you everything
All of me
Just like before
This last time together
We did everything except fight
Aw, we used to fight so good

I am rolling from you
You are rolling from me
We are rollin' away

I see beautiful actresses
With terrible scripts
And I want to write them all
A great one
Don't worry, baby
I'll write you one too
But I'll also write one for Andie Macdowell

I'd love to trade places
With a dog for a day
To know what he thinks
And what he feels
Does he think about life?
Does he think about God?
Or just about his next meal, like us?

So often these days eating Indian food
Passes for spirituality
I don't meditate
I don't pray
But I eat two samosas every day

Go down Moses
Go down on me
I do not have the strength to fight
I only pray
You treat me gently
These are long, cold nights

I am rolling from you
You are rolling from me
We are rolling away

I cry every day
But beauty shows up
When you least expect to find it

I am rolling from you
You are rolling from me
We are rolling away

I cry every day
But beauty shows up
When you least expect to find it

I am rolling from you
You are rolling from me
We are rolling away

I am rolling from you
You are rolling from me
We are rolling away

I am rolling from you
You are rolling from me
We are rolling away

Someday you'll walk where I am
And then you'll see my footprints left in the sand
I feel you moving in my wake
So please try to learn from my mistakes

Do not judge from where you stand
Someday you will understand
I want what's best for me an you
And I know that you want it too

Suzanne
I now someday you'll understand
Suzanne
I know someday you'll understand

As you sit there in the shade
And reflect on the choices that I have made
Just remember what I've done
Has been done in the glare of the blinding sun

Someday you will understand
Someday you'll be dealt my hand
Someday I will shout your name and
I know you're deciding the same, Suzanne

Suzanne
I know someday you'll understand
Suzanne
I know someday you'll understand
Suzanne....Suzanne.....Suzanne.....Suzanne

I hope I don't sell you short
Maybe you'll steer clear from your far off port
But I can't look back and check
With every step I risked my neck
Someday when your sky is blue
You'll know what I left to you
Then you'll know what you must do
And you'll know that my heart has been true, Suzanne

Suzanne
I know someday you'll understand
Suzanne
I know someday you'll understand

Suzanne....Suzanne.....Suzanne.....Suzanne